Teaching Young Writers To Unpack Heavy Sentences

Unpacking a heavy sentence!

Have you ever noticed how sometimes when you read, you come to a sentence that makes you keen to know more?

Some sentences have a lot of ideas packed inside them. They prompt the asking of questions. You just know that if you were able to open them up like a suitcase there would be more interesting things to discover.

If we can identify those sentences heavy with hidden ideas, we provide ourselves with opportunities to unpack them and share such magic with our readers.

Student writers frequently write sentences begging to be unpacked. All too often, their readers are left hanging because the writer fails to unpack the loaded words. The curious reader is left unfulfilled. 

Experienced writers undertake such craft moves regularly. Here are some heavy sentences written by Morris Gleitzmann. Notice the way Morris follows up and unpacks them in the sentences that follow.

‘I wake up. My neck is stiff and my eyes hurt in the sunlight and I’ve got breadcrumbs stuck to my face.’

Boy Overboard, Morris Gleitzmann

‘She looks totally exhausted. Even in this faint light I can see how pale she is, hair plastered round her face, scooping with her eyes closed. Her lips are blue.’

Boy Overboard, Morris Gleitzmann

Here are some more examples I easily uncovered while undetaking some reading as a text detective.

‘Mc Nabb was a giant. He stood five feet eight and said to weight over and seventy pounds. He had to bring his birth certificate in to the League Director to prove he was only twelve. And still most people didn’t believe it.
’
Maniac Magee, Jerry Spinelli

‘Edward started training twice as hard.  Instead if eight kilometres, he swam sixteen. Instead of twenty minutes of exercises, he did forty.’

The Twenty Seventh Annual African Hippopotamus Race, Morris Lurie

‘It was always bedlam at our house. Valjoy was forever slamming out the front door hollering that she was going, this time for good, and not to expect her home ever again. And mum would yell after her that it was the best news she’d heard since she won the fridge in the football club raffle and good riddance- only she didn’t mean it. And in the background Jedda would be whinnying or watching the TV racing results with the sound turned up full blast.’

Hating Alison Ashley, Robin Klein

As you read, look for examples of how other writers unpack their heavy sentences. Copy some examples into your writer’s notebook.
Share them with other writers.

Following this, read some of your own writing and see if you can identify where you might need to unpack a heavy sentence or two.

An example of unpacking a heavy sentence.

‘My uncle took me to the park. 

Unpack:

‘My uncle took me to the park, where we had the best time climbing and playing inside. He chased me around and around the slides and platforms. After all of that running I needed a break, so we stopped for lunch. What a great time we had!’





Comments

  1. Anonymous16 November 2021 at 22:24

    That is really helpful. Someone from a writing group told me I need to do more unpacking in my writing and now I understand what she meant. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alan j Wright17 November 2021 at 17:33

      It is always pleasing when a visitor to my writing blog feels a sense of having found something concrete to drive their understanding of writing a little deeper. Thank you for your response.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular With Other Visitors

Writing Opposite Poems

Image
 O pp o s ite  P oem s In his book, ' How To Write Poetry,'  Paul Janeczko presents the idea of opposite poems. Paul suggests they could also be referred to as antonym poems. This is wordplay and it's fun to try. Here are some examples Paul provides to help us see very clearly how these short little poems work. I think the opposite of chair Is sitting down with nothing there What is the opposite of kind? A goat that butts you from behind Paul Janeczko You will  notice the poems are written in rhyming couplets. They can be extended so long as you remember to write in couplets. Paul shows us how this is done. What is the opposite of new? Stale gum that's hard to chew A hot-dog roll as hard as rock Or a soiled and smelly forgotten sock You might notice that some of Paul's opposite Poems begin with a question. The remainder of the poem answer the question posed. Opposite poems are a challenge, but it is a challenge worth trying. Not every thing has a
Read more

Writing About Reading - Reading Reflection Journals:

Image
UPDATED February 2022 Writing in response to literature can be a great way for students to organize their thoughts, explore what they think, and generate ideas. One of the strengths of writing in journals is that it allows students to capture all of those great ideas that generally float off into the air during the discussion.  Journal writing can also become drudgery if students are asked to write too often, given little choice or inspiration in what to write, or if they simply don't have anything to say. While some students eagerly share their impressions about selections they have read in class discussions, others are less comfortable and keep their thoughts to themselves. In an effort to encourage all students to think more about what they read and confidently share their observations and opinions, some teachers are turning to the reading reflection journal and are gaining insights they never anticipated.  The Value of Reflection Journals   Journals assist teachers to gain i
Read more

Learning How to 'Zoom In' When Writing

Image
It is important for young writers to understand that not all parts of a story are equal. There are parts through which a writer moves quickly, and important parts where the writer slows down and lingers a while. This is where the writer might intensify the action or reveal the character’s reactions in greater detail. Young writers need to know that this is a deliberate strategy on the part of the author. The author consciously zooms in. The writer uses a magnifying glass to view a part of the story more closely; to focus on a moment and to slow down time. When an important part of the story is enlarged upon, it   is a signal to the reader, that this part of the story is important. The strategy of ‘zooming in’ goes by many names: ‘exploding a moment’ ‘magnifying a moment’, ‘hotspot’ ‘snapshot’, ‘adding detail’ or ‘slowing the action.’  What ever the name, the idea is the same. The author writes in a way that expands a significant part of the story with the intention of drawing t
Read more

Answering Questions Posed by Young POETS

Image
UPDATED, May 2020 As a frequent visitor to schools I have the great pleasure of working with groups of young, enthusiastic poets and their teachers. When I arrive in a classroom, young poets are often pre-loaded with questions, and most keen to have them answered.  I try to answer as many as I can, but we frequently run out of time, and the poetry caravan moves on to the next classroom. So I am here to answer some of those questions -right here, right now. So here goes: When you were little did you love writing? The short answer is yes. I have always enjoyed words and language. I can't recall a time when I wasn't doing some kind of writing. When did you write your first poetry book? I have had poems published over the years, but it wasn't until 2014 that I had an entire book of poems (an anthology) published. When I looked back through all my notebooks I realized I had hundreds of poems from which to choose. So, 'Searching For Hen's Teeth-Poetry From The
Read more

Slice Of Life Story-The Trials Of A Left Handed Writer

Image
Amazingly I learnt to write using my left hand. An achievement against the prevailing beliefs of the day. My very first teacher saw it as her mission in life to ‘fix’ the poor, wretched little boy suffering from what she clearly diagnosed as left handed disease. She must have thought, 'This child must be re formatted! If he remains left handed he will be forever condemned to writing in a scrawl that no one will be able to read. Ugly hand, ugly hand.' ...They tried to say it couldn't be done, it mustn't be done. They took the pencil out of my left hand and placed it in my right hand. It felt unnatural. It felt weird. It was not right. More to the point it was not left. I was not about to conform. At least they didn't try tying my hand behind my back. Watch me I said. I may be an oddball, left handed scribbler but I am a determined oddball. I mean how boring would the world be if everyone wrote with their right hand? So I dug my toes in –and my hands to
Read more